


As You Wish

by princejoopie



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: (But still no sibling ships idc if they're related or not), (brief) Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, Also they still have their powers, Alternate Universe, Evil Plans, If not then hopefully it's still enjoyable, If you've seen the movie you know what's up, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Multi, Pirates, Revenge, Temporary Character Death, The Princess Bride AU, True Love, Villain Character Death, no one is related, that should be interesting, we live by the klave we die by the klave
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26416801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princejoopie/pseuds/princejoopie
Summary: "What's it even about anyway?" Claire asked. "Does it have any cool superhero battles?""Are you kidding?" Allison exclaimed. "Swordfights, superpowers, chases, monsters, revenge, true love, miracles!"After a moment of silent deliberation, Claire finally said, "Doesn't sound too bad. Okay. Only one chapter though."
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Lila Pitts, Ben Hargreeves/Jill, Hazel/Agnes Rofa, Klaus Hargreeves/David "Dave" Katz, Sissy Cooper/Vanya Hargreeves, past Diego Hargreeves/Eudora Patch - Relationship
Comments: 78
Kudos: 72





	1. The Farm Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAAAA in the words of Ben Hargreeves, oh my god we're back again! I've had this in the works for a while and I hope y'all enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Fair warning, it contains minor season 2 spoilers (relating to Lila's mother and the existence of a few other characters.) Also fair warning, I haven't read the book, so this is based entirely on the movie. But I hope it's enjoyable whether or not you've seen it!

The only sounds from Claire's bedroom were the rustle of comic book pages and the occasional sniffle. She should've been in school, on her first day back from winter vacation, but the trash bin overflowing with tissues and the empty soup bowl on the tray next to her bed meant she was stuck at home for the time being.

She turned the page, engrossed in an action scene, when a knock came at her door. She sighed as the door opened and her parents entered, her mother holding a small wrapped present.

"Hey, sweetie," Allison said, sitting down on the edge of the bed and pressing the back of her hand to Claire's forehead. "How are you feeling?"

"A little better," the girl replied. "Especially with the comic."

"Well…" Allison started, looking to her husband.

Ray picked up where she left off. "Actually, your mother and I think it might be time to take a little break from the comics."

"We got you something else instead," Allison said as she handed the wrapped object to Claire. "Think of it as a late Christmas present. Or maybe a get-well-soon present. Go ahead, open it up."

Claire tore back the paper and stared in disbelief at what she saw. Looking up at her mom and stepdad, disgust apparent on her face, she asked, "A  _ book?  _ How is that better?"

"It's just something a little different," Ray said.

"Yeah," Allison agreed, "And I'll even read it to you."

"But  _ mooom _ I don't want to!"

As Allison lowered her eyebrows, Ray excused himself from the room, saying, "Why don't I go make some more soup?"

Allison sighed and asked, "How about we make a deal? Just one chapter, to see if you like it. After that, you never have to touch it again. That sound fair?"

"What's it even about anyway?" Claire asked. "Does it have any cool superhero battles?"

"Are you kidding?" Allison exclaimed. "Swordfights, superpowers, chases, monsters, revenge, true love, miracles!"

After a moment of silent deliberation, Claire finally said, "Doesn't sound too bad. Okay. Only one though."

"Only one," Allison agreed. She flipped the book open to the first page and began to read.

In the rural countryside of the kingdom of Florin lived a young man named Dave. He'd been hired as a farm boy five years prior, but at nearly twenty-two, he wasn't much of a boy anymore. He'd changed a lot in the time he'd been there. He was muscular now, and tanned from all the sun and the hard work.

Some things never changed, though. He was always kind and personable, and when asked to do something he would always accept the task with a smile. And his reason for staying didn't change either.

Dave wasn't in it for the money. His pay was meager at best, despite the fact that the family he worked for had enough money for their son to spend every night at the taverns.

_ That _ was the  _ real _ reason he stayed, though. The son. Klaus.

He'd been friendly to Dave for a few months following his arrival, but that all changed with the death of his brother.

Ben died when they were seventeen, and after that Klaus started drinking, started withdrawing more, and when he did interact with others he had a short temper and a lack of respect.

Dave didn't care, though, when Klaus would always order him around. He didn't care that Klaus never called him by his name. "Farm boy," he'd say, "Fill this bucket with water."

"As you wish," Dave would reply.  _ 'As you wish' _ was all Dave ever said to him.

One day Klaus approached him and said, "Farm boy, fetch me my saddle."

"As you wish."

That day, Klaus was amazed to discover that when Dave was saying,  _ 'As you wish,' _ what he really meant was,  _ 'I love you.' _ And even more amazing was the day he realized he truly loved Dave back.

Their romance blossomed from there, with late-night conversations and early morning kisses, and enough love in their hearts to-

"Wait, wait," Claire interrupted. "What is this? When does it get good?" A grave look on her face, she leaned forward and whispered, "Is this a kissing book?"

"The chapter isn't over yet, you know," Allison said.

Claire huffed out a sigh and slumped back into her pillows as Allison continued reading.

-And early morning kisses, and enough love in their hearts to wake the dead.

But their love was short-lived. Dave couldn't afford to marry, and Klaus, try as he might, couldn't kick his drinking habit for long enough to save up.

So Dave packed his things to set off for the sea, hoping to find his fortune elsewhere. On the morning of his departure, Klaus held him close, fighting back tears as they said their goodbyes.

"I'm worried I'll never see you again," Klaus said, sniffling, his head buried in Dave's shoulder.

"You will," Dave replied simply.

"You don't know that."

Dave pulled Klaus back and held him at arm's length. "I will  _ always _ come for you," he said. "That you can be sure of."

"How?" Klaus asked. "How can I be sure?"

Dave pulled him in close and whispered into his ear, "Because this is True Love. You think this happens every day?"

Klaus smiled, finally allowing the tears to fall, and pulled Dave in for one last kiss before letting him go for good.

Dave never reached his destination, though. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, the most feared pirate in all the land. He never left captives alive.

When Klaus got the news that Dave had been murdered-

"Murdered by pirates is good!" Claire said.

-He locked himself in his room for days on end, drinking without ever eating, living a nightmare without ever sleeping.

"Do you plan on wallowing in self-pity for the rest of your life?" Ben asked him one day.

Taking another swig from his bottle, Klaus said, "Well the love of my life is dead and I'll never find anyone like him again. So I didn't really have anything else scheduled, no."

Sighing, Ben said, "Klaus, I know you cared about him, but there will always be other people."

"Not for me."

"Klaus-"

"You don't know!" Klaus shouted. "You have no idea what it's like to be in love!"

"Okay, first of all, ouch," Ben replied. "And second of all, if he really loves you that much, you know he'll come back for you."

Klaus asked, "Why would he?" before raising the bottle to his lips again. "I never told him about… y'know." He gestured vaguely up and down his brother's body.

"He promised he'd always come for you," Ben said. "Even if he doesn't know you'll be able to see him yet, he'll be back."

"I just hope you're right," Klaus said, taking one last drink before setting the empty bottle down beside him. "I'll wait for him for as long as it takes."

Allison shut the book.

"Wait, what are you doing?" Claire asked.

"That was the end of the first chapter," Allison replied, starting to stand. "That was our deal, wasn't it?"

Claire frowned. "Well, maybe we can keep going for a little while. Just one more."

Allison sat back down and smiled. "Okay," she said, flipping the book open again. "Just one more."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! As of now, I only have up to chapter 5 pre-written, so if you have any feedback that I could use further down the line, (or even if you just want to tell me you enjoyed it and to keep doing what I'm doing,) I'm all ears!


	2. The Heir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay chapter 2! Am I the only one who wants to rewatch the movie every time I open this fic? Skjsfjfs that might just be a me thing.

"You know, I  _ am _ somewhat of a dork myself," Ben said, hoping the way he was leaning against the wall looked casual enough. "I spend a lot of my time reading. Not much else I  _ can _ do, obviously, besides watch my brother get drunk."

Suddenly, Ben's blue glow began to flicker out. "Klaus!" he shouted. It echoed through the large open library.

"What?" Klaus asked coyly. "I'm always  _ drunk, _ aren't I? You think I can control this?"

The woman Ben had been talking to giggled, and Ben gritted his teeth and muttered, "I  _ know _ you can control it, asshole."

As Ben's glow flared back to life, he turned back to the woman and said, "So, Jill, what are some of your favorite books?"

Before she had the chance to answer, though, the Count walked in and approached Klaus, who quickly let Ben disappear. Neither the queen nor her right-hand woman, Cha-Cha, knew about Klaus's powers. "You're wanted in the square," she said upon reaching him. "It's time."

Sighing, Klaus said his goodbyes to Jill and followed Cha-Cha out. He stood just outside the square, listening to the queen's speech as he smoothed out his dress. He found himself reminded of Dave's eyes by its blue hue, so he looked back up and tried to focus on anything else. He tried to tune into the queen's words instead.

"People of Florin," she called out sharply, her blonde hair woven into tight swirls. "As you all may know, next month my daughter-" She gestured to the princess beside her, who sat slumped in her chair, scowling. "-Will be marrying someone who was once a commoner like yourselves. Would you all like to meet him?"

The roar from the crowd served as a resounding affirmative.

"Then may I present," the queen said, "Your new prince, Klaus!" She gestured to the gate, which slowly opened to reveal Klaus, with his blue dress and his face painted with regret.

Even though the law of the land gave the queen the right to choose her daughter's groom-to-be, Klaus and Lila did not love each other. The only joy Klaus found anymore was in talking to Ben and riding his horse through the countryside.

It was on that day's ride that he came across four people standing in his path, by the river, deep into the woods.

Among them was a long-haired man with a sword at his hip, a shy looking woman, what must be the largest man Klaus had ever seen, and the one who appeared to be their leader, who had a scruffy face and wore a fancy tunic, and stepped forward to speak.

"Excuse me, sir," he said. "We are but poor lost circus performers. Would there happen to be a village nearby?"

Klaus shook his head. "No, there's nothing for miles."

The man smiled deviously. "Then there will be no one to hear you scream!"

The large man then approached a wide-eyed Klaus, reaching out and squeezing a nerve on his neck, causing Klaus to faint into his arms.

As the large man loaded Klaus into their boat, the leader tore a piece of cloth and attached it to the saddle on Klaus's horse.

"What are you ripping?" the one with the sword asked, looking down at the others from the stern of the boat.

"It's the fabric of an army uniform from Guilder," the leader answered.

"Guilder, the kingdom across the sea?" the woman asked.

"Precisely, Vanya!"

With Klaus secured in the boat, the large man turned and asked, "Why, exactly?"

The leader shooed the horse off in the direction of the castle. "Because they're the sworn enemy of Florin. Once the horse reaches the castle, the queen will suspect them of kidnapping her daughter's love, and when they find him dead in Guilder, she'll have no choice but to declare war!"

"Hold on, hold on Leonard," the large man said, "You never said anything about killing anyone. I don't think it's right, there must be another way."

"Am I going crazy," Leonard shouted, "Or did the word  _ 'think' _ just escape your lips? You're not getting paid to  _ think,  _ you gargantuan meat sack!"

"I agree with Luther," said the man with the sword.

Vanya nodded. "Yeah, me too."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing!" Leonard exclaimed. He climbed onto the boat, and Vanya followed. He ascended the steps to the stern and pointed a finger at the man there. "Need I remind you, Diego, that when I found you, you were about to be taken in by the guards for ranting and raving about revenge, trying to break into the castle?"

He jumped down and got as close as he could to Luther's face given his stature. "And you! Friendless, jobless, homeless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back where I found you, you brainless brute?!

"And you, Vanya," he continued, nearing the woman, "Living alone in the woods, depressed and afraid because you couldn't be part of society!"

"Stop-" Vanya said, raising a hand to her head and backing up until she was against the wall of the boat.

Leonard kept pace, moving a step forward for every step she took back. "Because all you know how to do is kill and destroy!"

_ "Stop!" _ she yelled as the trees rustled and the boat sharply rocked.

Leonard fell silent until their surroundings did too. Then, quietly, he added, "My point exactly."

They all sat in silence as Luther raised the sail, until Diego stepped down and leaned in close next to him. "Man, Leonard sure can fuss."

"Fuss, fuss…" Luther mumbled. "I think he likes to scream… at  _ us!" _

Laughing, Vanya spoke up, "He constantly berates us all."

Looking down at the man in question, Luther chuckled and said, "To make up for his lack of tall."

Leonard just scowled as Diego said, "You have a great gift for rhyme."

"Yes," Luther said, "Some of the time."

"Enough!" Leonard shouted.

Sighing, Diego climbed back up to the upper deck and fiddled with his sword's grip for a moment before calling out, "Hey, Luther, are there rocks ahead?"

"If there are, we'll all be dead!"

Leonard let out something of a growl and kicked over a bucket. "No more rhymes now! I mean it!"

Diego and Vanya could barely hold in their laughter as Luther said, "Anybody want a peanut?" and Leonard let out a cry of frustration.

They sailed along until the early hours of the morning. Looking out ahead of them, Leonard said, "We'll be at the cliffs soon. Probably by sunrise." He turned back to look at his crew and saw Diego, still on the rearmost deck, looking out behind them. "What are you looking at?" he asked.

"Are you sure no one's following us?" Diego asked with a quirk of his eyebrow.

Leonard sat back down and replied, "That would be inconceivable."

Klaus chimed in, "You're gonna get caught, you know. They'll find you. The queen is very attached to me, for  _ some _ reason." He mumbled that last bit, but then continued confidently, "And if you kill me she'll make sure you're all killed too."

"While I  _ appreciate your concern,"  _ Leonard said with a faux-smile, "But if I were you, I'd only be worried about my  _ own _ life for the time being.  _ And would you stop doing that?!"  _ he shouted, turning to Diego.

"And you're  _ absolutely certain _ nobody's following us? Diego asked.

"I told you," Leonard said, "It would be absolutely, completely inconceivable. No one from Florin could've caught up to us that fast! Why do you ask, though?"

"Oh, no reason. Just that… there's someone behind us."

"Pleasure cruise maybe?" Vanya said hopefully.

Leonard nodded. "Yeah, that must be it. Just a little joyride… at night… through eel-infested waters…"

Just then, there was a great splash. The crew all turned to look, only to see Klaus swimming away at top speed. "What are you all just standing there for?!" Leonard demanded. "Go after him!"

"Don't like swimming," Diego said. "Bad memories."

Luther then spoke up. "I only dog paddle."

With a growl of frustration, Leonard leaned over the side of the boat and yelled to Klaus, "Do you hear that?!" The noise in question was a series of loud, high-pitched hisses that seemed to come from every direction surrounding Klaus. Panicking and struggling to stay afloat, he looked up at Leonard.

"Those are the shrieking eels!" he continued. "Swim back now and we'll be sure to kill you quickly and painlessly! I don't think you'll get such an offer from them!"

Klaus thrashed around, his breaths coming quick and shallow. Huge scaly bodies slipped past him, and it took everything in his power not to sink. Suddenly, with a great squeal, an eel leaped out of the water aimed dead-on at Klaus's head.

"He doesn't get eaten, you know," Allison said.

"Huh?"

"The eels don't get him. I figured I'd tell you that because you looked nervous."

"I wasn't nervous," Claire said indignantly. "Maybe a little concerned, but that's not the same thing!"

"Riiight," Allison said. "We can stop if you want, if it's too much."

Claire sat up straighter and exclaimed, "No, no! We can keep going! I'm okay, I promise."

"Okay," Allison said with a smile.

Suddenly, with a great squeal, an eel leaped out of the water aimed dead-on at Klaus's head.

But then came a huge thundering  _ boom! _ Klaus and the eel were launched back, landing out of each other's paths. The other eels scattered too, as the boat swayed dangerously. Klaus started swimming back frantically, as fast as he could, but he looked up and froze.

Hovering above the boat was the woman, suddenly pale as pale could be, with her eyes glowing white. As she slowly lowered herself back to the deck, Leonard yelled, "Come on, swim!" And Klaus did, until he reached the boat and a giant hand pulled him up onto it.

As Klaus lay on the deck, spluttering and shivering, Diego called out, "I think he's getting closer!"

"It doesn't matter!" Leonard shouted. "We'll be there soon enough anyway!"

And sure enough, by the time the sun was rising, they were nearing the Cliffs of Insanity. But as they reached the shore, the boat behind them was growing ever closer.

"He's right behind us!" Diego called out. Then, quieter, he added, "I wonder if he's using the same wind we're using."

"It doesn't matter!" Leonard yelled, climbing off of the boat. "Luther is the only one strong enough to climb the cliffs! He'll have to sail for hours looking for a harbor!"

The boat kept on its course, though. As Luther took hold of the rope and Diego helped secure everyone else to him, the boat behind them only closed the gap further.

When Luther started climbing, Leonard let out a devious laugh and shouted, "See? I told you! He's too late!"

The boat landed right next to theirs, though, and a lone man, clad in all black down to a mask covering the upper half of his face, hopped off and made his way over to their rope.

"Leonard! Diego said, "Look! He's climbing the rope! And he's gaining on us!"

Leonard looked down at the man below them and yelled, "Inconceivable!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I hope you enjoyed! I know no one asked, but [this](https://m.aliexpress.com/item/32816973009.html) is what I was picturing as the dress Klaus is wearing throughout this whole thing. Ily all! <3


	3. The Swashbuckler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of my favorite chapters to write, as well as one of my favorite scenes in the movie, so I hope y'all enjoy!

"Leonard! Diego said, "Look! He's climbing the rope! And he's gaining on us!"

Leonard looked down at the man below them and yelled, "Inconceivable!" Then, to Luther, he added, "Faster!"

Luther huffed out a sigh and said, "I thought I  _ was _ going faster."

The man below them continued to close the gap as Leonard shouted, "You were supposed to be this great strong giant! Why is he catching up with us?"

"If you didn't notice," Luther said with a grunt as he continued to climb, "I'm carrying four other people with me and he's not."

"I'm not afraid to fire you, you know! I can find a new giant!"

They continued to climb, with the man in black gaining on them all the while. Once they reached the top, Leonard climbed up first and pulled out a dagger, beginning to cut the rope behind him.

One by one, the others were pulled up over the edge, until finally they were all at the top, safely in the ruins of an old stone structure, and the rope split, slipping down over the edge and tumbling to the beach below.

They all gathered around the edge of the cliff to look down, and saw the man in black still clinging to the sheer rock face.

"How is he still holding on?" Vanya asked in astonishment.

"Inconceivable!" Leonard shouted.

Diego slowly turned to look at him. "You keep saying that. I don't think that word means what you think it means."

They looked back down to see the man in black slowly raising an arm and grabbing onto another impossibly small handhold. "He's climbing!" Vanya exclaimed.

"Doesn't matter," Leonard said sharply. "He'll fall soon enough. But if he doesn't, he has to die anyway. He's seen us with the prince." He looked at Klaus, thinking. "We'll take him along towards Guilder. Diego, you stay back and kill the guy if he reaches the top."

"Okay," Diego said, unsheathing his sword and tossing it to his other hand. "Left-handed though."

Leonard sighed as Luther picked Klaus up and he and Vanya stood waiting. "We really don't have time for that!"

"If I use my right it'll be over before you've even crested the next hill," Diego said.

Leonard just stared at him. "...And that's a bad thing  _ why?" _

"Well I at least want a  _ little _ bit of a challenge."

Huffing out another sigh, Leonard turned to catch up with the others. "Fine, have it your way. If you get left behind, that's not on me!"

They walked off, out of the ruins and into the countryside beyond, leaving Diego alone with the man currently straining and struggling to climb the near-vertical rock face.

Diego looked down over the edge. "Hi," he called out. "How's it going down there?"

"This is a bit harder than it looks, you know," the man said back. "It requires concentration so I'd appreciate if you didn't distract me."

"Right. Sorry," Diego said softly.

Taking a few steps back from the edge, Diego took a few practice swings and jabs with his sword, fencing the empty air with expert precision. Getting bored, he sheathed it and moved to look over the edge of the cliff again. "You think you could maybe speed it up a little?" he asked.

"Are you looking for a kiss for rescuing me or something?" the man retorted. "If you're so impatient you could always toss me another rope."

"Well I  _ am _ bisexual," Diego said, "But I'm actually just waiting to kill you. Which is why I feel like you wouldn't trust my help."

With a grunt and another struggled step, the man in black said, "Well that  _ does _ put a damper on our relationship."

"Don't worry, though. I won't kill you until you're up here!" Diego called out.

"As reassuring as that is," the man replied, "You're just gonna have to wait."

"I hate waiting," Diego mumbled. Sighing and kicking up the dust at his feet, he asked, "Is there  _ anything _ I can do to make you trust me?"

"Probably not, no."

Crouching down closer and briefly locking eyes with the man in black, Diego lowered his voice and said, "I swear on the soul of my wife, Eudora Patch, you'll reach the top alive."

The man paused, before looking up and saying, "Throw me the rope."

Diego did, and once they both had a secure grip on it, Diego started to reel in his end while the man in black pulled himself along. A few more strained steps and Diego was taking the man's hand and tugging him up over the edge.

"Thank you," he huffed out. Despite his breathlessness, as soon as the man's feet were securely on the floor of the ruins, he was reaching for his sword.

"No, no, it's okay," Diego said. "We can wait until you're ready."

"Again, thank you," the man said, sitting down on a rock and tugging off a tall black boot.

Diego sat across from him and studied his face closely. "Just… out of curiosity," he started. The man looked up at him as he turned his boot upside down and shook the pebbles out of it. "Would you happen to have six fingers on your right hand?"

The man in black cocked his head to one side. "Is that some kind of strange pick-up line? Or do you just always introduce yourself that way?"

"No, it's just… My wife was killed by a six-fingered person."

The man held up his hand and flexed his five fingers.

Diego nodded. "Eudora was a great woman," he said softly. "She was a detective, and she started looking into a conspiracy that went all the way up to the queen. Something about wanting to wage war. Well, the royals didn't like that too much. One of the queen's advisors came to our home and slashed her through the heart."

"That's horrible," the man in black said.

Nodding again, Diego continued, "I ran out and confronted them, but I was no match. They left me alive, but they gave me these." He gestured to two long scars on his face, one running down each cheek.

Leaning forward in his seat, his attention fully on Diego, the man in black asked, "When did this happen?"

"Five years ago," Diego said. "And ever since then, I dedicated all my time to fencing, so when I find them someday, I won't fail again." A distant smile came over Diego's face as he said, "I'll go up to the six-fingered person and say, 'Hello. My name is Diego Montoya. You killed my lover. Prepare to die.'"

"And practicing swordfighting is all you've done?" the man asked.

"Well, lately it's been more of a search, really," Diego said, standing. "I've gotten my practicing done and now I just need to find them. I don't even know where to  _ begin, _ though. I know they're close to the queen, but they wore a mask and I never saw their face. They never said a word either. I don't even know if it was a man or a woman."

"Well I wish you luck," said the man in black. He stood to meet Diego and reached for his sword.

Unsheathing his, Diego asked, "So you're ready, then?"

"Whether I am or not, you've given me more than enough time to prepare."

Assuming his stance and readying himself, Diego said, "You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you."

"You seem a decent fellow," the masked man replied with a smirk. "I hate to die."

"Begin!" Diego shouted, and they were at each other immediately, but still starting off slow, just testing each other.

The more the battle sped up, though, the more apparent it became that they were evenly matched. Every strike either of them attempted was perfectly parried by the other. They shuffled back and forth, sometimes with Diego gaining ground, sometimes with the man in black gaining ground.

"You're amazing!" Diego exclaimed as the man slowly began to advance more.

"Why thank you," he replied, parrying another of Diego's swings. "You're not bad yourself."

Smirk growing on his face as he backed up closer to the cliffs, Diego said, "I can't lie, you're better than me!"

"Then why are you smiling?"

They were only a few steps from the edge and the man just continued gaining on him. "Because I know something you don't," Diego said, grin growing even wider.

"And what's that?"

"I'm not left-handed." Diego tossed his sword up and caught it with his other hand.

Now he was the one advancing, pushing the man further back with every clash of steel on steel.

"You're wonderful!" the man in black said as he was slowly pushed back up a stone staircase. "I must say I'm impressed."

"What can I say?" Diego asked, smirk still present. "Five years of study wasn't for nothing."

Up the stairs, Diego continued advancing on the man until he had him pressed back against a crumbling stone brick wall, the force of their swords together causing the man to strain to keep his footing. "Before you kill me, there's something you should know."

"Tell me," Diego said.

The man smirked. "I'm not left-handed either."

Switching hands, the man pushed Diego back and resumed his sword strikes, this time with dizzying precision and accuracy. Every  _ clang _ of metal had Diego stepping back until the sword was knocked from his hand and fell to the ground a ways away.

Still on the raised platform that the stairs had led them to, Diego looked down at the sword on the level below, and then back up at the man in black. The man simply pointed to it with his own sword, making no move to attack him.

Diego eyed a horizontal metal bar, suspended between two large pillars. Jumping off the raised floor, he grabbed hold of it and swung himself off with a flourish, landing on the ground below and grabbing his sword, turning to face the man again.

The man in black smiled again as he tossed his sword to the ground level. He jumped for the bar too and swung once fully over and around it before launching himself off with a backflip and landing on his feet.

As he picked up his sword and approached Diego, the latter asked, "Who are you?" in an awestruck daze.

"No one important."

"I have to know."

"Get used to disappointment," the man said.

He lunged at Diego again and the battle continued. Diego was growing desperate, taking wild swings that the man easily dodged.

Finally, with a quick flick of his wrist, the man sliced off a lock of Diego's long hair, and Diego let go of his sword and dropped to his knees in defeat. "Kill m-me qu-quickly," he said quietly.

"I'd sooner destroy a stained glass window than an artist like yourself. But since I can't have you following me-" He thumped Diego over the head with the hilt of his sword, knocking him out and leaving him in a heap on the ground.

The man in black leaned down and whispered, "It's nothing personal. And believe me, I would've flirted more if I wasn't already spoken for," before running off out of the ruins and into the fields beyond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! As always, feedback is appreciated. Ily guys <3


	4. The Brute and the Seamstress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't have a huge amount to say this time around. I hope you enjoy!!

The pair sat in silence across from each other on the floor of her bedroom. Ben had his knees pulled up to his chest, and Lila sat cross-legged, elbow resting on her knee and cheek resting on her fist.

"I'm starting to get seriously worried," Ben said finally.

"I know, me too," Lila replied. "But hey, at least we know he's still alive." She shrugged. "At least for now. Because I can still use his powers."

Ben nodded. "I know. But still, he could be anywhere."

"He's in Guilder," Lila said abruptly.

Ben looked up at her, brows furrowed. "How-"

"I have to tell you something," she said. Uncrossing her legs, she scooted over closer to Ben and whispered into his ear.

His eyes widened and he swallowed hard. "Do we know where in Guilder?" he asked quietly. "We could go looking-"

"No, no," Lila said with a shake of her head. "I have no idea where he is. Just that he's in Guilder, but Guilder is huge."

Ben paused, chewing on his lower lip. "But we know he's safe... Right?"

Lila nodded. "Definitely. And they should be coming back with him soon. It's just… y'know,  _ the rest _ that I'm worried about. With Guilder."

Ben just nodded, staying silent.

Meanwhile, in said country, the ragtag gang of kidnappers continued along with their captive prince until they saw the man in black approaching on the horizon.

"Inconceivable!" Leonard shouted. He turned to Luther. "Fine, Vanya and I will keep going with the prince. Catch up with us quickly."

"Wait, why am I staying behind?" Luther asked.

"To kill him, you imbecile!"

Sighing, Luther said, "Fine. But know that I don't want to."

"I'm not paying you to  _ want, _ Luther!" Leonard shouted as he grabbed Klaus's arm and started pulling him along. "Just kill him fast and catch up!"

Sighing again, Luther picked up a large rock and awaited the man's approach.

As he neared, making his way over the rocky terrain, suddenly a huge stone came sailing towards him and smashed against a boulder just feet from his head, crumbling to pieces.

The man in black looked ahead and saw a giant of a man bending down to pick up another rock. "I didn't have to miss, you know," Luther called out.

The man nodded. "I believe you. So… this doesn't exactly seem like the most even fight. What do you propose we do?"

"We fight each other fairly," Luther said. "Sportsmanlike. No weapons, just man to man."

"You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?" the man in black asked.

Luther nodded. "Just like that."

As the man approached, he pulled off the belt holding his sword and dropped it to the ground. "I think you might have a slight advantage here, but I'll try my best."

"Not my fault I was born with super strength," Luther said. "I don't even exercise."

"Right," said the man in black, before throwing himself at Luther and starting to futilely pound on his chest. He wrapped his arms around the huge man and strained trying to push him to one side or the other. Luther didn't react. Pulling back, the man asked, "Are you just messing with me or what?"

"I just want you to feel like you're accomplishing something before I kill you," Luther said. He took a swing at the man, who ducked into a somersault between Luther's legs. Turning to face him again, Luther said, "You're fast."

"Makes up for your strength a bit, doesn't it?"

Luther's fist flew through the air again, which the man in black easily ducked under, as Luther asked, "Why do you wear that mask? What's so important that you have to hide?"

"Oh, nothing, they're just terribly comfortable," the man said. "I think everyone will be wearing them in the future."

He dodged another punch and jumped up behind Luther onto a rock, and then onto Luther himself, arms wrapping around his neck from behind.

Struggling to pry the man off, Luther said, "I just realized why I'm having such a hard time with you." He stumbled backward into a large boulder, crushing the man against it.

He didn't let go, though. He just let out a sharp grunt at the impact and asked, "And why is that?"

"Because," Luther said, his voice growing strained, "I'm used to fighting complete idiots. You're skilled, and you've clearly studied combat."

He backed into another boulder and the man clinging to him groaned again, but still held on tightly. "And what's so different about that?"

"Different moves," Luther choked out. "It's so much easier if you can get a handle on what they'll do next, but with someone who knows what they're doing, it's just a… wild… card..." Dropping to his knees, he fell forward, unconscious.

The man climbed off his back and strained to roll him over. Once he did, he pressed an ear to Luther's chest. Upon hearing the gentle repeated thump, he looked up at him and said, "Sorry about that, big guy. But I have a prince to kidnap just like you do. But until you awake, rest well, and dream of large women."

Standing, he grabbed his sword and took off towards the direction the others had gone.

"Inconceivable!" Leonard shouted upon seeing his approach.

"And that makes six," Klaus mumbled.

"I'll take him," Leonard said, gesturing to Klaus. "Vanya, you finish this thing."

After a deep sigh and a moment's pause, she asked, "Do I have to?"

"Of course you have to, Vanya, we have to kill him! He knows we have the prince!" Leonard shouted.

"You know I hate killing."

He leaned in close, poked her sharply in the chest, and asked, "Are you my girlfriend or aren't you?"

Sighing again, she simply mumbled, "Yes."

"Good. Catch up with us quick. Luther and Diego are both idiots, but I know you can do this."

Vanya nodded, and Leonard turned to walk off with Klaus.

She watched the man in black growing nearer, and eventually called out, "Stay back! I'm not afraid to kill you, you know!" But her voice wavered.

"Is that so?" the man asked. "Then why are you shaking?"

Taking a deep breath, Vanya's eyes began to glow white as she slowly lifted off the ground.

"You don't have to do this!" said the masked man. "You don't have to listen to him!"

"Yes. I. Do," Vanya said firmly.

The man raised his hands in surrender as he continued to approach. "All I know is that I know what love is. And it isn't that."

With a shaky breath, Vanya dropped back to the ground and demanded, "What is it then?"

"Love is pure," he said. "Love is the feeling of wanting to fall asleep next to someone every night, and wake up with them every morning. Love is freeing, and it comes naturally. It's wanting to give someone everything you have and more. It's looking at them and feeling like you're home."

"Well… I  _ do _ have someone like that," she said softly.

The man's face melted into a sincere smile. He whispered, "It's wonderful, isn't it?"

Vanya nodded. "She's a seamstress. She was the only one who would ever talk to me before I could control my powers. I was a total outcast, but she and her son would come and visit, and she'd bring me food sometimes, and she was  _ nice _ to me," she said wistfully. Her face suddenly dropped. "She probably doesn't like me back that way, though."

The man in black shrugged. "Only one way to find out. I say go for it."

Looking back over her shoulder, Vanya asked, "But what about Leonard? If he finds out-"

"He won't," the man said. "I'll take care of him. You won't have to worry about him anymore."

Vanya met his eyes and studied him carefully. "Promise?"

"On my life."

Nodding, Vanya whispered, "Thank you," and ran off back in the direction of Florin.

The man in black smiled as he watched her go, before turning back and running in the direction of Leonard and the prince.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! As always, feedback is greatly appreciated.


	5. The Strategist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe we're already a third of the way in! I've been kinda falling behind with the backlog I have saved up, so we might start seeing more than five days between chapters if I can't get my shit together. Oops. Either way, I hope y'all enjoy! This one was a lot of fun to write.

"They were obviously both experts," the queen said, following the footprints in the dust on the floor of the ruins. "I've never seen such skill. I wish I could've watched the battle myself."

"Who won?" Cha-Cha asked from atop her horse. "And where'd they go?"

"The loser left that way," the queen said, pointing, "And the winner ran off towards Guilder." She pointed in the other direction before climbing back onto her horse.

"Should we bother with sending anyone after the loser?"

"No. The loser doesn't matter. The winner clearly has the prince and that's the only thing we care about," said the queen.

Cha-Cha hesitantly asked, "And you're sure this isn't a trap?"

"I think everything might be a trap," the queen said, "Which is why I'm still alive." She urged her horse on, and the other woman and three blonde men in the party followed suit.

Meanwhile, the masked man approached the last remaining kidnapper, who sat at a small makeshift table with the now-blindfolded prince beside him, holding a dagger to his throat. On the tablecloth sat two goblets and a bottle of wine.

"Looks like it's just you and me, mystery man," Leonard said. The man took a few steps forward and Leonard pressed the dagger harder against Klaus, who flinched. "If you want him dead, please, come closer."

"Well how do you propose we resolve this?" the man in black asked.

"By walking away while you still can!" Leonard shouted. "I'm clearly no match for you physically if you've made it this far, but there's no way you'd stand a chance against my intellect either!"

"Is that so? Well in that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits."

"For the prince?" Leonard asked. The man nodded. "To the death?" Another nod. "Very well, I accept." He lowered the dagger from Klaus's throat. "What do you have in mind?"

"This-" the man said, pulling a small vial out of his pocket, "Is called iocane powder." He pulled out the cork as he approached and sat on the rock across from Leonard. "It's tasteless, odorless, and is one of the deadliest known poisons. Pour the wine, if you'd be so kind."

Leonard grabbed the bottle and one of the goblets. As he poured, he said, "I see what you're proposing. One of us will poison one goblet and the other will have to decide. But who will be doing the poisoning and who will be doing the guessing?"

"Since you have such a dizzying intellect, I think it's only fair that you have the honor of guessing."

"Alright," Leonard said. "It's true that you wouldn't stand a chance otherwise."

The man in black picked up both goblets and turned his back on Leonard until the vial of iocane was emptied. Turning back around, he set them both back down on the table and asked, "So where is it? The battle of wits begins now, and it ends when you decide and we find out who's right… and who's dead."

"So, me and you, respectively."

"If you're so confident then make your decision," the man said.

Leonard let out a sharp laugh. "You seem nervous already, because you know how simple this is! It's basic human instinct to try to preserve one's own life, so you would've been sure to put the poison as far away from you as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!

"But then again, if you thought yourself worthy to challenge me to a battle of wits then you must not be a  _ complete _ fool, in which case you'd know that going against your natural instinct is the best option, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you!"

The man in black, who'd been sitting silently with a slight smirk on his face, asked, "So you've made your decision then?"

"Not remotely!" Leonard shouted. "Because as we all know, iocane powder is derived from the iocane tree which only grows in the tropics, meaning you must be well-traveled, and in your travels you must have learned that no one is to be trusted but yourself, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you!

"But at the same time, you must have  _ known _ I wouldn't trust you and that I would only trust myself, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!"

"You're just stalling now," said the man.

Leonard yelled, "You'd like to think that, I bet! But no, because you bested my swordsman and my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you may be relying on your strength to save you, in which case I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you!

"But there's no way you could've beaten Vanya's powers, which means you likely used your charm to convince her not to hurt you, and in doing so, you likely guaranteed you'd kill me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!"

"You're trying to trick me into giving up some secret, aren't you?" the man in black asked. "It won't work."

"It has worked!" Leonard shouted. "You've told me everything I need to know! I know exactly where the poison is!"

"So you're ready to make your choice then?"

"I am! And I choose-" With a gasp, Leonard pointed off into the distance. "What in the world is that?"

The masked man turned to look and asked, "Where? I don't see anything." While the man was looking away, Leonard picked up the two goblets and switched their positions on the table.

"Oh, that's odd, I could've sworn I saw something. Oh well."

Leonard began to chuckle to himself when the man turned back and asked, "What's so funny?"

"Oh nothing, I'll tell you after," Leonard said. He lifted the goblet in front of him. "First, we drink. Me from my glass and you from yours."

They maintained eye contact as they both brought the goblets to their lips and downed the wine in one swig. Setting it back down on the table, the man in black said, "You guessed wrong."

Leonard burst out laughing. "You fool! You  _ think _ I guessed wrong, but I switched them while your back was turned! That's what's so funny! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is 'never get involved in a land war in Asia.' But only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Peabody when death is on the line!"

Leonard continued to laugh maniacally while the man just stared at him, small smile ever-present. After a moment, Leonard stopped, and fell sideways to the ground, dead.

Slowly standing, the man in black walked over to Klaus and untied his blindfold.

"Who are you?" the prince asked softly.

"No one to be trifled with," he replied, taking Klaus's hands and pulling him to a standing position. "Now come along, your precious mother-in-law should be catching up soon."

As Klaus followed the man away, he looked down at the body and asked, "How did you know he'd choose the wrong cup?"

The man said, "They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane."

As he continued to tug Klaus along, back at the castle, Ben and Lila were walking through the square together when Carmichael, the head guard, approached them.

"Your highness," he said to Lila, "There's someone here to see you." He gestured to the person who'd followed him in, a woman with long dark hair and simple clothes. Excusing himself from the conversation, Carmichael left the three of them alone.

"My name is Vanya, your majesty," she said with a slight bow. "And I came to warn you-"

"About the Guilder plan? Yes, I know," Lila said flatly.

"No, about the  _ hangup _ with the Guilder plan. I was one of Leonard's employees, but we never made it." Lila raised an eyebrow as Vanya continued, "A strange man came and took each of us out one by one. I have no idea who he is or what he wants, but he must have the prince by now, and Leonard is probably dead."

Lila turned to Ben and said, "We have to go after them."

Ben nodded, but Vanya said, "I don't think that would be a good idea. He's a very powerful man, with great strength, swordfighting skills, and intellect. Please be careful if you want to pursue him."

"Well  _ you _ must have powers, right?" Lila asked. "I've heard Leonard only hires people with them. You could come along with us and-"

"No. I'm sorry, your highness, but I can't." Vanya looked back over her shoulder, not looking at anything in particular. "I found someone I want to spend my life with, and she loves me back, and I can't take risks like this anymore."

She faced Lila again, and repeated, "I'm sorry," before turning to walk away.

"What do we do now?" Ben asked. "Do we go after them?"

Lila looked at him, brow furrowed, "Of  _ course  _ we go after them, are you insane?"

"Are  _ you?  _ It could be seriously dangerous!"

"I'll have you there," she said. "I can conjure you and the horror could take anyone out in five seconds."

"You  _ know _ I hate doing that," Ben said firmly.

Lila sighed. "Fine. But we can't just sit here and do nothing. Klaus and my mother are in danger. Come on." She gestured for him to follow her and started walking toward the stables.

Once on her horse, she looked down at Ben and asked, "Are you coming or not, ghost boy? I can do this on my own, you know."

Ben just nodded, and she reached out a hand for him to grab. As he climbed onto the horse behind her, he just mumbled, "I suppose it's not like I can die again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. <3


	6. The Ghost and the Princess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy just to warn you, I've been super busy with TUActober (and Animal Crossing, oops) and I've been falling kind of behind with my pre-writing, so there's a chance that within the next few weeks it will be more than 5 days between chapters. I'll try my best to stay on schedule if I can though!

"Rest, highness," the man in black said as they paused their running, just on the edge of a steep valley. He let go of Klaus's hands and sat on a nearby fallen log, but Klaus stayed standing.

"If you let me go, you'll get whatever you want for ransom, I promise."

"You think I'm in this for the money?" asked the man. "You're very funny, highness."

"I was giving you a chance," Klaus said. "But if you insist on keeping me then you  _ will _ be killed when the queen finds you. I've seen her do worse to much better people."

Crossing his arms, the masked man asked, "So you think your dearest love's mother will save you?"

"I never said Lila was my dearest love, and yes, she will save me."

The man abruptly stood. "So you admit you don't love your fiancée?"

Sneering, Klaus said, "She knows I don't love her, and her mother does too."

"Don't know how to love, you mean," the man said, leaning right into Klaus's face.

"That's not true!" Klaus shouted. "I've had true, deep, real love, and I bet the same can't be said for a killer like you!"

"Don't lie to me, highness," said the man in black, calmly but firmly.

He sat back down, this time on the ground with his back resting against the log.

Through gritted teeth, Klaus said, "I know who you are. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!"

Leaning back, arms behind his head, the man smirked and replied, "With pride."

"You killed the love of my life, you monster," Klaus growled.

"I kill a lot of people, you know," said the man. "It's never anything personal. But please, tell me about this love of yours. More royalty, I suppose? Rich and shallow?"

"No. A farm boy. Poor. And perfect. He was everything I could've ever dreamed of and more. And you  _ killed _ him, you miserable excuse for a man. You could've left him alive and you didn't."

Still smirking, the man asked, "Well I can't afford to make exceptions, now, can I? I mean, once word gets out that a pirate's gone soft, then people start thinking they're so much better than you and it's impossible to get a handle on it again."

"Shut your filthy mouth!" Klaus roared.

The pirate stayed silent for a moment before saying, "Well I think you might like to hear that he died with dignity, at least. This was, what, five years ago now that I encountered your little farm boy?

"But yes, no crying or bribe attempts or anything. He just said, 'Please... Please, I need to live.' And the 'please' was what caught my attention. I asked him what was so important for him to stay alive for and he said, 'love.' And then he talked about a man of exceptional beauty and kindness, and I have to assume that's you." With a shake of his head, he continued, "You should really thank me, you know."

"And what in the world would I have to thank you for?" Klaus asked, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

"For killing him before he could find out how selfish and unfaithful you really are," the man said. He stood and demanded, right in Klaus's face, "Now tell me, highness, when you heard he was dead, did you get engaged that same hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect?"

"Shut up, you disgusting beast! I died that day!" Klaus shouted. He looked over his shoulder and saw the queen and her group on horseback, cresting the horizon. He turned back to the man and growled, "You can die too for all I care," shoving him backwards down into the valley.

As he rolled and tumbled down the steep hill, the mask slipped off of his head and he called out behind him, "Aaaaas yooooou wiiiiish!"

"Dave!" Klaus exclaimed, eyes widening. "Oh God, what have I done?" He looked briefly over his shoulder at the approaching queen before turning back and throwing himself down the hill after Dave.

The queen, looking ahead at the hill that the pair had just been standing on, let out a huff and said, "They must have seen us coming."

"Should we keep following?" the count asked. "We could leave the horses and-"

"No." The queen cut her off. "Too dangerous. That valley leads straight into the Fire Swamp. On the offchance they live, we should circle around and meet them out at the other end."

"Good idea, your highness," Cha-Cha said as the five horses began to walk.

At the bottom of the valley, once Klaus and Dave slid to a stop, Dave leaned over him and asked, "Are you alright?"

Reaching up to caress Dave's face, Klaus said, "Are you kidding? You're alive! I've never been better."

"I said I'd always come for you," Dave said, an edge of sadness to his voice. "You could have waited."

"I waited five years. What else was I supposed to do? You were dead!"

"Death can't stop true love," Dave said simply. "It can only delay it for a while."

Klaus let out a deep breath. "I'll never doubt again."

"There will never be a need," Dave said, before closing the distance between them and letting his lips meet Klaus's. They-

"Wait, wait, hold it," Claire interrupted. "They're kissing again. Do we have to read this part?"

Allison raised an eyebrow and smiled slightly. "Do you want me to read the book or don't you?"

Pouting, Claire said, "Yeah, just… skip ahead to the Fire Swamp, that sounded cool."

"There's still another scene left first," Allison said.

"Fine, just anything that isn't the kissing."

With a slight chuckle, Allison said, "Okay."

Racing along toward Guilder on horseback were the princess and her ghost companion. Over the hills and through the fields they rode until Lila spotted a group of others, led by a greatly overdressed woman, and slowed her horse to a stop once she caught up with them.

"Mum!" she called out, "Are you okay? Have you found him yet?"

The queen, upon turning and seeing her daughter, asked, "What are you doing out of the castle?"

"Someone came and told us a strange man took Klaus," Lila said. "We wanted to make sure he was- and  _ you _ were okay."

"We?"

"Uh,  _ I.  _ Me. Yeah," Lila mumbled as Ben let out a sigh behind her.

Raising a hand to her forehead, the queen said, "Well you should've at  _ least _ brought Carmichael or  _ someone _ who knows what they're doing-!"

"Mum-"

"But I suppose there's no point in lecturing you now that you're already here safe."

Lila crossed her arms and asked, "So do you know where Klaus is or not? Is he safe?"

"Two different answers," the queen replied. "The good news is that we know where he is, but the bad news is that he and that man were headed straight for the Fire Swamp last we saw them."

"God, really?" Lila asked. "Why didn't you send someone after them or something? Klaus will never survive in there!"

The queen tilted her head slightly and said, "Well,  _ never _ is a strong word. You're just saying that because no one ever has."

"Do we know who the man is?" Ben asked, and Lila parroted the question to her mother.

"No idea. But he's clearly a man of great strength and skill, so if anyone could keep our Klaus safe in the Swamp, it would be him," replied the queen. "We're just waiting for when they emerge."

Lila sighed and said, "Alright. I'll wait here with you all."

"You'd better," the queen said. "You're not going back out into Guilder alone."

As they settled in to wait, Ben leaned his head against Lila's shoulder and mumbled, "If I disappear, then we panic."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Feedback is always appreciated. Ily guys <3


	7. The Queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "every 5 days" schedule is really starting to catch up to me. I only have up to next chapter written and I haven't even proofread it. So... shit. The Fire Swamp was super fun to write though and I hope you enjoy it!

"It's really not  _ all _ that bad, now is it?" Dave asked as he and Klaus carefully stepped over the rocks and tree roots on the floor of the Swamp. "I feel a little let down, if I'm being honest."

He had one hand in Klaus's, and the other positioned over his sword's grip, ready to pull it from its sheath at a moment's notice. Dave did his best to keep Klaus steady as he kept stumbling in his long dress.

But suddenly, a series of popping, hissing noises sounded from below the dirt, and a second later, a huge plume of flames erupted from the ground just in front of them, catching the hem of Klaus's dress on fire.

He let out a squeak of surprise as he and Dave kneeled down to try to smother the flame. Once they'd succeeded, they stood back up and Dave took Klaus's hand again, saying, "Well, that was… something. You alright?"

Klaus nodded. As they started slowly walking again, Klaus looked down and mumbled, "We're gonna die here, aren't we?"

"Well what's our alternative?" Dave asked. "Would you rather go out there and face the queen and marry someone else while she probably kills me? At least we're here together, right?"

Klaus nodded again and picked up speed slightly.

They continued to walk until the vines started growing thicker, at which point Dave pulled out his sword to begin chopping them down.

Eventually, Klaus paused and asked, "So… how is it possible that you're the Dread Pirate Roberts when you've only been gone for five years? He's been on the seas for twenty now."

"See, that's the funny thing," Dave replied. "I wasn't always Roberts, of course. But what I said about saying 'please' was true. It stuck with Roberts, and he decided to keep me on board as a temporary crew member. He'd always say to me, 'Goodnight, Dave, good work. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' He said that every day for three years, and of course, he never did.

"But in that time, I studied, and I practiced anything anyone would teach me, and Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then he told me the strangest thing."

"What-" Klaus was cut off when he nearly tripped over a protruding root before Dave grabbed him and held him steady. Regaining his footing, he took a deep breath and asked, "What was it?"

Taking a deep breath, Dave said, "Well, he pulled me aside one day and he told me, 'I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts. My name is Steve. The previous Dread Pirate Roberts gave his ship to me, but he wasn't Roberts either. His name was Gerard. The  _ real _ Dread Pirate Roberts has been retired for fifteen years now. He made off with all of his wealth and granted his ship to another, just as I will grant it to you now.

"The  _ name _ is what was important for inspiring fear, he told me. Imagine if you were kidnapped by the Dread Pirate  _ Dave.  _ No one would take that seriously. So we landed and took on a new crew, and from then on I was Roberts. And now that I have you here, I'll find someone else to give the name and ship to. Does that make sense?"

Klaus barely had time to nod before he took another step forward and quickly dropped and was sucked under the ground.

Dave froze in shock for a moment, but when he gathered his wits he reached up for a vine and cut it down, holding onto the end as he dove into the pit of sand after Klaus.

Everything in the woods seemed to stand still in the tense few seconds that followed, until finally they both emerged, gasping for breath, as Dave pulled them along out of the quicksand.

Back on solid ground, they both coughed and sputtered until finally, Klaus choked out, "We might as well just wait to die here. We'll never make it out."

"It's okay, love," Dave said, leaning over to rub Klaus's back as he continued to cough. "We'll be alright. There are three dangers in the Fire Swamp and we've already gotten past two of them." He stood and helped Klaus to his feet before gently starting to brush the sand off of his hair and face.

"There are the flame spurts," Dave continued, "Which make a popping sound first, so we can avoid those. Then there's the lightning sand, and we know what that looks like now, so that will be easy to avoid too."

Looking over Klaus's shoulder, Dave saw a looming silhouette perched in the fork of a tree. It must've been a foot high and four long, with a spindly tail extending even further. Its beady eyes locked with his as he examined its pointed fangs and sharp claws.

"What about the R.O.U.S.es?" Klaus asked as Dave took his hand and started pulling him along quickly.

"Rodents Of Unusual Size?" Dave replied. Though his breathing had quickened, he dismissively said, "I doubt they really exist."

At that moment, the enormous rat that Dave had just been eyeing pounced, tackling him to the ground and biting into the flesh of his arm. He let out a shout of pain as he kicked the rodent off and rolled over to try to get back on his feet.

Before he could stand, though, it was back on him, and he punched and kicked at it, but it was of little use.

Grabbing a heavy fallen branch, Klaus took a swing at the rat, knocking it off of Dave and giving him the chance to stand up.

The popping sound resonated through the ground, and Dave gave the rat a firm kick toward the source of the noise. He and Klaus watched as the fire flared up from the earth, singeing the beast's fur and causing it to growl loudly.

Dave drew his sword, and with one quick jab, the creature was dead on the forest floor.

Klaus and Dave exchanged glances, but neither said a word. They just slowly turned and continued to walk carefully through the woods.

Eventually, the trees began to thin and the ground became less and less gnarled with roots and vines. As they stepped into the glowing afternoon sunlight, Dave sighed in relief and said, "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?"

Klaus shook his head and turned, squeezing Dave in a tight hug. "I can't believe we made it," he mumbled into Dave's shoulder.

Dave's grin dropped, though, when the sound of horses' footfalls approached and the queen and her party quickly rode into view.

The two of them were quickly flanked by three blonde men with crossbows all trained on Dave. Behind the queen and the count came Lila and Ben, the latter's eyes widening when he got a look at Dave's face. "Oh my god," Klaus heard him mumble, and Lila looked back at him quizzically.

"Surrender!" the queen said firmly.

"You're surrendering to me?" Dave asked with a raised eyebrow. "Alright, I accept."

"He's bold, I'll give him that much," the queen mumbled to Cha-Cha. "Stupid, but bold."

"But how do you expect to capture us when we know our way around the Fire Swamp so well now? Really, you'd be smart to just leave us be."

"This is your last chance to surrender!" the queen shouted.

"You'll have to kill me first!" Dave yelled back.

Before the three men could raise their crossbows any further, Klaus jumped in front of Dave and said, "Promise you won't hurt him!"

"Excuse me?" the queen asked.

"If we surrender and I go with you, you have to promise not to hurt him," Klaus said firmly. "Promise you'll return him to his ship."

"It will be done," the queen replied. "Lila, take him."

Klaus turned back to Dave and sadly said, "I already thought you were dead once. I can't go through that again. Not if I can help it."

Reluctantly, he stepped forward away from Dave as Ben scooted back on the horse, leaving room for Klaus in the middle. When he climbed on, Lila and one of the blonde men started riding away.

"Take him with us," the queen said once they were out of earshot. "And when we get back to Florin, throw him in the Pit of Despair."

With that, the queen rode away, and the count approached Dave. Smiling, Dave asked, "Don't you think we can work something out here? If you let me go I can get you all the money you ask for."

"Do we look like we need the money?" she replied, drawing her sword.

Looking at her gloved hand, Dave's smile dropped and he said, "You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you, you know."

But the count didn't respond before hitting the hilt of her sword into Dave's head and knocking him out cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Ily guys and as always, feedback is greatly appreciated. <3


	8. The Booer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just proofread this chapter today. I am officially staring the god of writing in the face and playing chicken with her.

"Where am I?" That was the first thing Dave asked when he came to and found himself shirtless and strapped to a table.

He was in some sort of cave. The stone walls were high and the air was damp, and there were strange objects and mechanisms all around him.

Despite his head being stuck in place, he could move his eyes just enough to see a thin man with wide eyes approaching him, holding a bowl of water and a cloth.

"The Pit of Despair," the man replied. Seeing Dave examining the chains holding him down, he said, "You can't escape. And don't bother thinking about being rescued either. There's only one entrance, and no one knows about it but the queen, the count, and I."

He wet the cloth and began dabbing it on Dave's wounded arm, soaking up the blood.

"So I'm just here for the rest of my life then?" Dave asked.

The man nodded. "It'll be short, though, don't worry."

"If you're just going to kill me then why are you fixing my arm?" Dave asked.

"Because, uh- Roberts, right?"

"Call me Dave."

The man nodded and gestured to himself. "Elliott. But anyway, Dave, it's because the count likes people to be healthy before they're tortured."

"Death by torture?" Dave said. "Alright. I can handle that."

Elliott shook his head. "I know you're brave. Almost to the point of stupidity. But no one has ever kept their dignity while hooked up to The Machine. Trust me."

Dave swallowed hard and just nodded as much as he could manage with the straps holding his head down.

Klaus and Lila were married that night, and in the morning, Klaus arrived at the square to greet his subjects as their new prince.

"Mom,  _ wait," _ Claire interrupted. "You read that wrong. Klaus can't marry Lila. They don't love each other. He marries  _ Dave, _ right?"

"I'm just reading what it says on the page, Claire," Allison replied.

"Well you're messing it up! He doesn't marry Lila, that wouldn't be fair!"

Allison asked, "Who says life is fair? Now do you want me to keep reading or not?"

Claire sighed. "Yes."

Nodding, Allison turned the page and continued.

-Klaus arrived at the square to greet his subjects as their new prince. He still wore his flowing black wedding dress, now with a small crown perched atop his head.

He stepped forward into the space created by the parting crowd, and everyone dropped to their knees as he approached. He felt a lump in his throat, and he couldn't look anyone in the eyes.

Two people remained standing, though. A large woman with glasses and ragged clothes, next to who was presumably her preteen son.

_ "Boo!"  _ she yelled loudly.  _ "Boo! Boo!" _

"Why?" Klaus asked, taking a small step back. "Why are you doing this?"

"You had true love, and you threw it away!" she shouted.

Eyes wide and beginning to well up with tears, Klaus replied, "They would've killed him!"

"He saved you from this life and you tossed him aside like garbage! So bow!" She turned to address the crowd. "Bow if you want! But know that you're bowing to just that- the prince of garbage!" She was approaching Klaus now, slowly moving in closer and closer. "Prince of filth! Muck! Slime! Boo! Boo!  _ Boo!" _

Klaus awoke with a jolt in his bed.

It was a week until the wedding, and his nightmares were growing steadily worse. Quickly, Klaus rolled out of bed and-

"See, I  _ told _ you he wasn't gonna marry Lila," Claire said.

"Yes you did," Allison said. "Now be quiet."

Quickly, Klaus rolled out of bed and rushed to the queen's office, but he was stopped by a tug on his sleeve before he could reach the door. "Klaus,  _ wait," _ Ben said. "I need to tell you something."

_ "No, _ Ben, this is important," Klaus insisted. "Tell me after."

Ben opened his mouth to speak, but Klaus was already pulling himself out of his grasp and continuing on his journey to the office, so Ben just let him go.

Once there, Klaus threw the door open and said, "I can't keep this to myself anymore. I love Dave. I always have, and I always will. I can't marry Lila. I don't love her. Is there any way I can convince you to let me find Dave again?"

The queen, seated at her desk, slowly turned and looked to Cha-Cha, who stood beside her. Looking back at Klaus, she replied, "Alright then. If you can find him in time then consider the wedding off."

Klaus's eyes lit up as the queen turned back to the count and asked her, "You returned Dave to his ship, right?"

Cha-Cha nodded. "Yes ma'am."

"Good," the queen continued. "Then we'll track him down. But… Klaus, sweetheart, are you sure he still wants you? After everything you did to him? You  _ abandoned _ him, after all."

"Dave will always come for me," Klaus said confidently. "He promised me that."

The queen shot Cha-Cha a look that Klaus couldn't quite decipher, before standing from her chair and approaching him.

"Let me propose a deal. You write four copies of a letter asking him to return, and I send out four ships, one in each direction, and we'll deliver your message if we find him. If he still wants you, then you can leave with him, and you won't have to worry about me again. But if not…" She leaned in close and stroked Klaus's cheek. "Then the wedding stays on. Agreed?"

Klaus pulled away from her touch and nodded, mumbling, "Okay," and turning to leave the room.

Once he was gone, Cha-Cha asked, "So what are you gonna tell him when Dave doesn't show up?"

"Well, he's stubborn, and he'll never believe that Dave doesn't want him anymore. So we'll probably just tell him we couldn't find him," the queen replied.

"Good idea," the count said. "And we start the torture later today, so he'll be taken care of quickly."

"Good. You know, I thought it was clever to have Leonard kidnap and murder him on the engagement day," the queen said, "But just think how much more amazing it will be to kill him myself on the night of the wedding. Once we blame it on Guilder, our people will demand we go to war."

"You're a woman of great military strategy," Cha-Cha responded.

Once Klaus was back in his room, Ben arose from his sitting position on the bed and asked, "Okay,  _ now _ can we talk?"

_ "What?" _ Klaus asked. "What, what is it? I have a letter to write, so this better be important."

"I think you're in danger," Ben said quickly. "Lila told me it was the queen's plan to have you kidnapped and blame Guilder for it, and she said you wouldn't be hurt, but now that that failed I'm not so sure anymore."

Klaus just stared at him for a moment. "So… You think the queen is planning to kill me?"

"Maybe!" Ben exclaimed. "Who knows? All I know is that you need to be caref-"

"Does it matter?" Klaus asked, cutting him off.

"Huh?"

"Just…" Klaus paused and sat down at his desk, staring blankly at nothing. "If the wedding goes through as planned, then I don't think I would mind so much. That's all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed our cameos from Elliott and Kenny's mom! (When I say I put _every_ character in something, I mean it.)


	9. The Guard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoy today's installment. I know this one and the last one are kinda on the slow side but I promise things pick back up next chapter! Also, if you're reading this, hi Sam. :)

The queen and the count walked along in the forest. "So how do you plan on killing him so no one will suspect you?" the count asked.

"Easy," the queen replied, "We just get a messenger to tell Carmichael that spies from Guilder are planning to invade the night of the wedding, and that will plant the idea of the Guilderians trying to kill the prince, so when it inevitably happens, they'd never think to blame it on me. They'll all just think one of the spies slipped through the cracks."

"Once again, you're a woman of exceptional brilliance," Cha-Cha said.

"Ruling the world is a difficult business," said the queen.

They continued walking in silence until they reached a small clearing. "Now where is that knot," Cha-Cha mumbled, approaching a thick-trunked tree and feeling around on it. She pressed on a particular spot, and a previously concealed door swung open, revealing a staircase spiraling downward.

"Want to accompany me?" she asked. "Dave has his strength back and I'm starting him on The Machine now."

The queen sighed and replied, "While I would  _ love _ to, I'm truly swamped today. I have a wedding to plan, my son-in-law to murder, and Guilder to blame for it."

"You're right," the count said. "You should return to the castle and rest up. It's a big week for us."

With a nod of her head, the queen departed, and Cha-Cha descended the staircase alone, closing the door behind her.

"Well, what do we have here?" she asked, approaching the table where Dave lay flat, strapped down and scowling. "It's a beauty, isn't it?"

She gestured to a large mechanism with levers and huge cogs, all hooked up to a water wheel. "Spent half my life designing it," she said. "I have a great interest in pain, and The Machine here is my greatest achievement. I want you to tell me exactly how it makes you feel. We'll start small."

As Elliott pressed small suction cups to Dave's head and chest, the count walked over to the control panel of the machine, reaching for a big lever hooked up to a dial labeled zero to fifty, and pushing it to the lowest setting. One.

The cogs slowly started moving as water flowed down a small channel and into the wheels.

It started as a burn emanating from where the suction cups were attached, but it quickly spread outward up and down his limbs and through his whole body. It felt like Dave's every muscle fiber was on fire, searing pains shooting through each and every one of his nerves.

He tried not to cry out in pain, but it quickly became too much, and he let out a yell of agony, writhing against his restraints, before the count moved the lever back down and The Machine slowed to a stop.

"I take it you're intrigued as to how this magnificent invention works, so I'll tell you. It's just a suction pump- very basic, really- but it's modified so instead of sucking water, it sucks life. I've just taken one year of your life away." She patted one of the cogs before walking over to Dave and leaning down next to him. "So tell me honestly, how do you feel?"

Dave just let out a groan and, through gritted teeth, mumbled, "Not great."

After a pause, Cha-Cha said, "Good," and straightened back up. "One day I might try as high as level five, but I really have no idea how that would affect you, so we'll just go gradually."

Dave closed his eyes and sighed. "Wonderful."

Meanwhile, in the castle's library, four figures sat huddled around a spread of books and maps.

"Here," Ben said, pointing a glowing blue hand toward one of their papers. "If we ride off back to Guilder and ask the king for refuge, he might be willing to-"

"No," Lila said. "Out of the question."

Jill agreed, "Yeah, she's right. That would just give the queen an easy excuse to start her war. This isn't just about stopping the wedding, this is about that too."

"Oh- Uh, yeah, that too," Lila said. "I was just gonna say it was because I heard the king of Guilder is a real prick."

"Yeah, he sounds like one. With his stupid monocle." Klaus held up his finger and thumb in a circle around his eye to mimic one. "No one with a monocle  _ isn't _ pretentious."

"Well do any of you have a better idea?" Ben asked with a sigh.

From the doorway, a tall man with a glass tank perched atop his shoulders watched in silence. After a moment, he walked off toward the queen's office.

"You called for me, your majesty?" he asked.

"Carmichael, yes," she said, and motioned for him to join her. He did, approaching her desk and leaning down next to her chair, and she continued, "I've gotten word that assassins from Guilder are currently stationed in the Thieves' Forest and plan on attempting to kill the prince on the night of the wedding."

"Are you sure, your highness?" the guard asked. "Because my spies have received no such news-"

"I  _ am _ sure," the queen asserted. "I trust my sources."

"I thought  _ I _ was your sources though."

"Get over it, A.J. I'm going to protect Klaus at all costs, and that means emptying the Thieves' Forest entirely on the day of the wedding."

Carmichael swam a circle in his tank and said, "Your highness, that's  _ impossible!  _ My team can't handle all of them."

"Round up a brute squad, then," the queen snapped. "I'm not taking any chances. See it done. And I want thirty men at the gate that night, too."

"Yes, your majesty," Carmichael replied. He turned to leave the room, but paused in the doorway and turned back, saying, "Oh, and just one more tiny little thing-"

"Yes?" the queen asked impatiently.

"The prince and princess are together in the library, talking and looking at papers. It's probably nothing, but-"

"They're  _ what?" _ The queen demanded, "Then separate them! If those two are scheming then I don't want them having any contact before the wedding!"

"Yes, your highness." With that, Carmichael quickly rushed from the room.

In the hallway, he ran into a few more of his guards. "I need help separating the prince and the princess," he said. "Follow me."

They did, and when the four of them arrived at the library, Klaus and Lila scrambled to grab their papers and both stood up, as did the librarian.

"It's not what it looks like!" Klaus said quickly.

Lila shot him a glare and asked,  _ "Really?  _ When has that line  _ ever _ worked?"

"You're both coming with us," Carmichael said, grabbing Klaus by the arm as another guard grabbed Lila.

_ "Hey!" _ Lila shouted as two guards dragged her along. "Put- Me-  _ Down!" _

She and Klaus both struggled against the guards' grasps but it was no use. They were both carried along to their respective rooms and thrown into them before the doors were shut behind them.

"What do we do now?" Ben asked a moment later, once he joined Klaus in his room.

Klaus sat on his bed, head hung low, face in his hands. "Just wait and hope that Dave comes, I guess."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! As always, feedback is appreciated and I hope you enjoyed!


	10. The Thieves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2/3 done! And I'm officially out of backlog because I haven't written anything in a week, oops.

On the day of the wedding, the Thieves' Forest was bustling with activity. The guards and the brute squad gathered up everyone they could find, throwing them into barred carriages or escorting them out of the forest.

"How close are we to empty?" Carmichael asked one of his guards.

"Almost everyone is out," the guard replied. "But there's a swordsman trying to resist."

"Well we're on a time crunch here," Carmichael said. "Disarm him and drag him out kicking and screaming if you have to."

The guard nodded and ran off towards the lone man who stood in a clearing, swinging his sword at anyone who neared. "Back off!" Diego shouted. "I'm not afraid to kill every one of you if you come too close!"

The guard called to one of the brutes, "You! Take him away."

"I'm not leaving!" Diego yelled. "This is where Leonard found me! I'm waiting for him as long as I must!"

The brute approached from behind, catching Diego off guard, and he swiftly pulled the sword from Diego's hand and grabbed him by the shirt. The man said, "Leonard's dead, and it's me you can trust."

Looking up, Diego saw Luther's grinning face and smiled back. "Hey there, stranger," Diego said.

"Come with me," Luther said. "We need to get out of here. And we need to talk."

Diego followed, and soon they were seated at a table in a small hut, where Luther poured out two glasses of water as he spoke. "So… a lot has happened. Lots of gossip with the guards."

Diego took a sip and said, "I'm all ears."

"First of all, the man in black is the prince's old love," Luther said. "He was trying to stop the wedding. He killed Leonard, but he and Klaus were separated after that and no one knows where he is now."

Diego pursed his lips and mumbled, "Wow."

"And… one more little thing."

Diego looked up at him.

"The count? The queen's right-hand woman? Six fingers."

Eyes widening, Diego darted up from his chair and demanded, "Where is she?"

"Castle, probably," Luther replied. "But there's only one gate, guarded by thirty men."

"How many could you take?"

"Probably no more than ten."

Diego hesitated, deep in thought. "There's no way I could handle twenty. Do you know where Vanya is?"

Nodding, Luther replied, "I think so."

"Then let's go!" Diego said. "I've waited five years to avenge Eudora's death, and I finally have the chance! There will be blood tonight!"

The pair rushed off to a small secluded cottage at the edge of town. Diego knocked frantically on the door, and when it finally opened, they saw a blonde woman and a young boy standing just behind her.

"We're looking for Vanya," Diego said.

The woman hesitated, before turning and calling out, "Sweetheart? There's a giant and his friend looking for you."

Out of another room, Vanya came forward, and the woman she was with stepped aside. "What's going on?" Vanya asked softly.

"We need your help," Diego said quickly. "We need to take out the guards in front of the castle tonight. I need to find the count. I need my revenge."

After a moment's pause, Vanya shook her head. "I'm sorry, I… I can't. Not anymore. I'm done with all that. I'm done killing. I have a life now, with someone I love, and I can't do anything like that anymore. I'm sorry."

Luther pursed his lips and Diego stared at the ground silently until Vanya mumbled, "I'm sorry. Bye, guys," and closed the door.

"What now?" Luther asked.

Diego just shook his head. "No idea. I'm terrible with strategy. If only we had Leonard to plan."

Luther replied, "Leonard is dead."

"No… Not Leonard… We need the man in black."

Luther shot him a puzzled look. "Why him?"

"He outfought the two of us, and he must've outwitted Leonard. Anyone like that must have a strong gift for strategy. He's the only one who can help us," Diego said.

"But we have no idea where he is."

Diego sighed. "Do you think that will stop me when I'm this close? Let's go find him then! Come on!"

He ran off, back towards town, and Luther trodded along after him.

Meanwhile, in the castle, Ben knocked on Lila's door.

She opened it for him, and quickly ushered him inside. "What's the latest?" she asked once the door was closed behind them and Ben was seated on the bed.

"Klaus thinks your mother never sent the letters," Ben replied.

"Oh, she  _ definitely _ didn't," Lila said with a wave of her hand. "No way. She thinks Klaus is an idiot, though, and she doesn't think he'll catch on, I'm sure."

Ben nodded. "Klaus still thinks Dave will come for him, though. He said Dave promised he always would."

"Yeah, about that…" Lila looked him in the eyes and sighed. "I doubt they really returned Dave to his ship. My mother has…" She took a shaky breath. "She has a torture chamber, somewhere in the woods, and she probably brought him there."

"What?" Ben asked, quickly standing. "Where is it? We can sneak out and save him, or I could-"

Lila shook her head. "I don't know where it is. And the entrance is one of her most closely guarded secrets."

"I have to tell Klaus," Ben said, running for the door.

Lila grabbed his arm and held him back. "No, don't. It won't help anything if he knows. Just tell him that she didn't send the letters. He'll just think Dave doesn't know-"

"He'd never believe that. He's convinced Dave is coming to save him."

"Just- Don't tell him. It would only make things worse. It would only hurt him even more," Lila said.

Ben sighed. "Okay. I won't."

Lila released his arm and mumbled, "Thank you," before letting Ben leave without further resistance.

Rushing to Klaus's room, Ben pounded on his door.

Klaus quickly opened it. "What? What's so important?" he whispered as Ben entered.

"I think I know where Dave is. And he's not coming."

Klaus furrowed his brow and asked, "What? Where? Why?"

"Lila told me the queen has a secret torture chamber, and that's where they probably sent Dave. She's convinced they didn't take him back to his ship at all," Ben quickly said.

Klaus's eyes widened. "Well where is it? We can-"

"No," Ben said. "Lila has no idea. We can't do anything."

"I'm going to talk to her," Klaus said, rushing for the door.

"No, you know the queen wants you two separated-"

"Not Lila," Klaus replied, "The queen."

He stormed from the room, and Ben followed him, shouting, "No no no, that's a terrible idea!"

But it was too late. Klaus ran into the queen's office and sternly said, "He's not on his ship, is he?"

She looked to the guard next to her, and then back at Klaus. "What do you mean, sweetheart?"

Through gritted teeth, Klaus replied, "You didn't take Dave back to his ship. You're torturing him."

Standing from her desk and stepping forward, the queen said, "Wherever did you get that idea?"

"Your daughter. She knows about it."

The queen's eyebrows lowered and she asked, "And how did she tell you this?"

"None of your business!" Klaus shouted. "Just let him go, you filthy coward!"

"I wouldn't say such things if I were you," the queen said, rushing forward and grabbing Klaus by the arm, dragging him back to his room.

Throwing him inside, she locked the door and returned to her office, handing the key to Carmichael and saying, "Don't let him out until the wedding," before storming off again.

She rushed from the castle and all the way to the forest clearing, pressing the tree's secret knot and running down the steps into the Pit.

"What are you doing," Cha-Cha asked, stepping forward, but it was too late.

The queen ran to the lever and threw it upward, all the way to the highest setting.

"Not to fifty!" the count shouted, but the water wheel was already turning, and Dave was writhing on the table and screaming at the top of his lungs in pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Feedback is always appreciated. Ily guys <3


	11. The Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE BACK Y'ALL! Hot DAMN that took me a minute to write, but I'm back, and everything Is fine again. Sorry about that. Enjoy!

Diego and Luther carried on through the town until they heard a prolonged scream from somewhere off in the distance.

"Do you hear that?" Diego asked, turning his head toward the source of the sound. "It must be the man in black."

Luther raised an eyebrow. "Why would it be him?"

Diego replied, "Think about it! If the queen doesn't want him marrying the prince, she likely has him captive somewhere, and is probably torturing him. That's the scream of someone who's being killed without getting to carry out their true purpose in life."

He started in the direction of the scream, shouting, "Luther, come on!" but the crowd was thick, and Diego struggled to make his way between all of the people trying to walk in the opposite direction.

Luther pushed him aside and yelled, "EVERYONE OUT OF THE WAY!" The sea of people parted down the middle and the pair made their way through with little resistance.

Soon they were out in the middle of the woods, in a small clearing with thick trees surrounding them.

A lanky, wide-eyed man approached, pushing a wheelbarrow. Diego swiftly pulled out his sword and held it up to the man. "Where is he, huh? Where are you keeping the man in black?"

Luther reached over and lowered Diego's sword. "You know, you don't have to threaten  _ everyone." _

"Fine," Diego said with a huff. "You jog his memory then."

Luther stepped forward and knocked his clenched fist down onto the top of the man's head. Without a single word, the man dropped to the ground, unconscious.

"Oops," Luther mumbled as Diego let out a sigh. "I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Shame, he's pretty cute too. Diego?"

Luther turned to look as Diego kneeled down, closing his eyes and holding up his sword. "Eudora," he whispered. "I've failed you for the past five years. We finally have the chance to be at peace now. I just need to find the man in black. Please, guide me to him. Guide my sword."

Eyes still closed, Diego stood, and Luther watched on as he swayed back and forth, taking careful steps, seemingly guided along by some invisible force.

After a moment of following the path that only he could sense, he stepped forward and opened his eyes when he felt his sword stick straight into a tree.

His face falling, he hung his head low as he sighed and leaned against the tree. But when he made contact, something in the tree shifted and clicked, and a concealed door swung open before him. Eyes widening, he looked up at Luther, and they quickly made their way down into the dungeon below.

It was vast and empty, save for an unconscious Dave lying flat on a table. They ran to him, and Luther leaned down in an attempt to hear his heartbeat.

After an achingly long stretch of silence, he stood back up and shook his head. "He's dead."

"Wait, mom, wait," Claire interjected. "Dave isn't, like,  _ dead _ dead, right? He's just faking. He has to be!"

"Do you want me to keep reading or not?"

"Who gets the queen?" Claire demanded.

Allison raised an eyebrow. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"The queen!" Claire shouted. "Who kills her in the end? Someone has to!"

"No one does," Allison replied. "She lives."

"So she wins?! Jeez, mom, why'd you read me this thing?"

Allison closed the book and started to stand. "You know, you've been sick and you're starting to get really worked up about this. I think we'd better stop for now."

"No!" Claire said, tugging at her mom's arm. "I'm fine. I promise. We can keep going."

Allison flipped the book open and replied, "Okay." Finding the page they'd been on, she continued.

"Well, we Montoyas are stubborn," Diego said with a sigh. "Let's go, and bring the body."

"The body? Why?" Luther asked.

"Do you have any money?"

Luther replied, "A little."

Diego nodded. "I just hope it'll be enough to buy a miracle."

Diego ran from the dungeon with Luther, carrying Dave, close behind. They walked until they were back in the city, when Luther finally asked, "So what exactly is your plan here?"

Hardly noticing his friend's question, Diego stopped an old woman walking by and asked, "Excuse me, would you happen to know where Miracle Hazel lives?" The woman just shook her head and continued walking.

Approaching someone else, Diego said, "You? Any idea where he is? The Miracle Hazel who used to work for the queen?" but the man just frowned and didn't respond or break stride.

Luther grabbed Diego's shoulder and asked, "What are you doing? Is this your plan?"

"Well I don't know where he lives! You know, this could go twice as fast if you helped me."

Sighing, Luther simply replied, "Fine."

The pair continued walking and stopping people to ask if they knew the way to Miracle Hazel's house, Dave's limp body still slung over Luther's shoulder all the while.

Finally, a voice came from behind them. "Why are you looking for him?"

They both spun around and saw a preteen boy with neat brown hair and a scowl, hands in his pockets as he eyed them up and down.

"We need to buy a miracle," Diego said. "Do you know where he lives?"

The kid replied, "Yeah, but you might want to find another miracle man. Even if his miracles worked- which they don't- he won't want to see you anyway. He's retired."

"This is really important," Luther said in his best authoritative voice. "Just take us to him and we won't have any trouble here."

Sighing, the kid said, "Fine, but it's not because I'm scared of you," and disappeared in a flash of blue before reappearing on Diego and Luther's other side. "This way. Let's go."

Diego and Luther looked at each other, wide-eyed, before silently following the boy as he led them out down a secluded path into the woods.

As they approached a small cottage, the kid said, "I'll stay back. He won't want to see me either. He and I have… a bad history. Haven't seen him in nearly twenty years." He leaned against the wall of the hut, just out of view from the door.

Diego opened his mouth to speak, brows furrowed, but decided against it, shaking his head and walking forward, knocking on the worn wooden door until it swung open.

A man with a long gray beard and ragged clothes answered. "What? What do you want?"

"Are you Miracle Hazel?" Diego asked.

"Used to be. I'm retired now. So scram." He shut the door, and off to the side the kid tried and failed not to smirk.

Diego huffed out a sigh and pounded on the door again until Hazel answered. "We need a miracle," he said quickly. "It's important."

"I told you, I don't do that anymore," Hazel asserted. "Haven't in twenty years. Not since I got fired."

"I told them you wouldn't want to," the boy said.

Hazel leaned out from the door just far enough to look at him. "What are you doing here?"

"These two idiots were making a scene in town asking people where you lived. I said I'd take them to you but I warned them that you wouldn't help. Not after what happened last time."

"Well," Hazel said, turning back to the other two. "He's right. I'm a failure, I'm rusty, and I'd probably kill whoever you're trying to miracle."

Luther gestured to the body on his shoulder. "He's already dead."

Hazel hesitated, before saying, "Alright, fine, I'll take a look." He pointed at the boy. "You help too."

The kid sighed heavily. "Why, exactly? I thought you didn't want me as an assistant anymore."

"If I can come out of retirement then so can you. Now let's go," Hazel responded, turning and walking back into the cottage.

Stepping away from the wall, the boy just said, "Whatever you say, Dad."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So full disclosure, I have the next chapter written but after that I might end up putting this on hold until after the holidays since I have another (time-sensitive) AU in the works, as well as a Secret Santa thing. But I hope you liked the update! Thank you for sticking with me, guys. <3


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